Wednesday, June 21, 2006

For Better or Worse

You could walk behind me
or you could hold my hand
You could know me fully
or never understand
You can drive me crazy
like only you can
Life's blessing, life's curse
For better or worse
You could leave me stranded
or hold me with your eyes
Come home empty handed
or hold a brilliant surprise
You could sing me love song
or just make me blue
Life's blessing, life's curse
For better or worse, I'm with you
Sure there are plenty of fish in the sea
Flocks of birds on the rise
Baby not for me
cause I live in paradise
And if harm way found you
you know I'd be there
to wrap my love around you
to let you know I care
And when the angels come down
I'd say, "Don't you dare,
you know not what you do",
May God take me first
For better or worse, I love you

May God take me first
For better or worse, I love you

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


tidakkah kamu tau, diam itu tidak lagi emas.
diam adalah tidak peduli.
diam adalah bodoh.
diam adalah tidak tau.
diam adalah statis.
diam adalah mati.
diam adalah ketika kata-kata tidak lagi bisa mengungkapkan isi hati atau kepala.

mengapa harus diam, sayang?

cin, please?

Monday, June 19, 2006

scrambling thoughts

udah lama banget ga posting & sebenernya udah lama banget juga pengen posting. tapi ga tau kenapa, setiap kali gue buka blog, kok ya akhirnya cuma ngetik beberapa kalimat untuk kemudian di-delete lagi karena ga sreg. kenapa sih? apa udah segitu bahagianya (atau garingnya) hidup gue sekarang sampe ga tau mau nulis apa?
padahal, ini kan blog gue sendiri ya? kalo ada yg baca dan nemuin kebahagiaan (atau kegaringan) di dalamnya, yaa.. maap!
atau justru karena gue belum ngerasa mampu untuk jujur total nulis di blog ini? ya gapapa juga toh? yang tau kan cuma gue (dan si Boss).

jadi apa dong?

sesungguhnya, begitu banyak cerita di sini.
mungkin nanti..

ajari aku untuk selalu menatap wajahmu
hanya wajahmu
ajari aku untuk selalu mendengar suaramu
hanya suaramu
ajari aku untuk selalu menggenggam tanganmu
hanya tanganmu
ajari aku untuk selalu menjaga hatimu
hanya hatimu
ajari aku untuk selalu mencintaimu
hanya kamu
tanpa syarat
tanpa tapi
tanpa jika

0:16 AM, menunggumu..

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Finally Spilled Out

Saya sedang menelusuri berita hari ini ketika YM window tiba-tiba muncul di desktop saya, lengkap dengan sound alert-nya. Sebuah pesan dari seseorang yang pernah dekat dengan saya beberapa saat lalu. Ngga penting sih.. Cuma mengomentari foto saya di chat window. Obrolan singkat dan ngga jelas itu kemudian ditutup dengan ucapan selamat bekerja dari dia. Saya pasti akan berkomentar, “how sweet” kalau saja saya tidak mengenal dia begitu dalam. Sayangnya (atau untungnya) 2 tahun adalah waktu yang sangat-sangat cukup untuk mengenal seseorang.

Diam-diam saya masih suka berpikir, apa sih sebenarnya maunya manusia ini? Geez, I gave him all the time he needed, yet he just couldn’t make up his complicated mind! Dan ketika saya telah menguatkan hati untuk meninggalkannya, dia berusaha mengusik saya dengan hal-hal yang dulunya begitu berarti buat saya, tapi tidak lagi. Tidak ketika saya mengambil keputusan itu, apalagi sekarang, ketika telah ada yang mengajak saya berbagi segalanya untuk menata masa depan. Sesuatu yang tidak bisa dia berikan untuk saya.

Somehow I feel sorry for you, asshole.


The passion
The imagination
The power
The control
The vision
The intention
The difficulty
The cruelty
The sense
The logic
The feeling
The fact
The dream
The goal
The thought
The spirit
The determination
The idea
The advice
The opinion
The talent
The ability
The strength
The toughness

The old me

I lost it

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Learn to Live with What You Are

I know that you're in there
I can see you
you're saying you're okay
I don't believe you

and now that the gig is up
the spell is broken
the fat lady's sung
the president has spoken
these days that you were waiting for
will come and go
like any day

just another day

there's never gonna be
a moment of truth for you
while the world is watching
all you need is
the thing you've forgotten
and that's to learn to live
with what you are

so freak out if you want to
and I'll still be here
don't call me for years
and when you do
I'll still be here

I'm not saying the effort
is a waste of time
but I just love you for
the things you couldn't change
though you have tried
these hours of confusion
they will soon expire
like everything does

there's never gonna be
a moment of truth for you
while the world is watching
all you need is
the thing you've forgotten
and that's to learn to live
with what you are

sometimes everything you've ever wanted
floats above sticking out its tongue
and laughing while
everything that anyone could ever need
is down below waiting for you

know this

there's never gonna be
a moment of truth for you
while the world is watching
'cause all you need is
the thing you've forgotten
and that's to learn to live
with what you are

you've got to learn to live
with what you are


Something in the wind is calling
Believe me, one fine morning I’ll be gone
Nobody in the world will find me
Remind me where I’m from

There will be a start to follow
Tomorrow, when my heart is set in strength
I can see an island in the sunshine
It’s all mine, I won’t fade

Hold me tight, keep me here
And I’ll make the future clear
Only you have the right to know
That horizon faraway will get closer everyday
Share my dreams when it’s time to go

Friday, December 24, 2004


Yeah.. it's Christmas once again! But this flu almost kills my Christmas spirit.. Thanks to Dian, whose Windows Media Player keeps playing these cheerful, joyful, oldies but goodies (oh how I love to use this phrase, even though I knew Ganesh would hate it!) Christmas songs.

Bought a nice pair of pen & keyholder last night at MKG for cross-gift tomorrow.. and for myself, I bought a sexy black halter & a pinkish tube dress. Hey, I need new apparels since I've worn the same old black tube top and black pants (with or without my bluish-greenish shawl) whenever there was a party during 2004!

Yet I haven't got anything for Cinku.. Ppffhhh.. looks like I still have to go shopping this lunch-time! Btw, pity I can't celebrate Christmas with Cinku since he has to go back to Bandung.. Sniff..

Thursday, December 23, 2004


1. Lust (I think I love you. Who are you anyway?)
Here it is, the big 'wow', the big 'gee', the big 'yesyesyes' you've been waiting for... This is where you find something or someone and believe they are better, greater, cuter, wiser and more wonderful than anything you've ever known. Lust isn't a sin, it's a necessity, for with lust as our guide we imagine our bodies moving the way our bodies were meant to move. And you think: "I have no need of food, I have no need of sleep, I have no needs other than occasionally chewing a breath mint. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, probably beacuse you haven't happened to me yet. Now I can pass into the next act," so poetically called:

2. Euphoria (or: oh yippee, you're mine)
You feel funny inside, you feel funny outside. You feel you could do anything and no one would dare laugh at you. This love, you will treasure, you will not put in the basement next to your rowing machine, treadmill, and thermal body sweat wrap. And you will not take this love for granted, because that is the biggest sin of all. And you say: "I feel so good, I feel so strong, I feel actually attractive and I could learn to live with that feeling. Oh. Let us sing and dance and eat brown mushy foods low in fat! Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh but what if I'm no good at this? Oh.. I am no good at this. I am becoming very, very afraid. That must be because I'm passing into the third act" called:

3. Fear (also known as: uh-oh!)
This is where the doubt begins, where the mind comes back from shopping, yells at the heart, binds and gags it to a nice lounge chair and allows guilt, failure, and remembrances of things past to sit in for a nice game of bridge. This is where you fear what you need most. If it's a person you love, you fear appearing foolish in front of them. And you begin to think: "Oh no. What if I'm wrong? What if this stinks? What if my heart has blinders on, it's had blinders on before. In fact it had dark heavy patches taped all over it. How can anyone love me if I don't love myself? I mean, I love myself, there are just parts between the top of my head and the bottom of my feet that could use some improvement.. I'm not demeaning myself, I have relatives who do that".

4. Disgust (and the strange desire to eat every thing in sight, hide in you room..)
Now comes what unavoidable time when you say to anyone who will listen: What the heck am I doing here anyway? If it's a person you love, first you hate only their inadequacies, then you start hating their good points as well. "I can't believe I ever said I felt this way, I must have been dreaming! Wait, this is no dream. This is a film noir movie, and one of those really dark ones too. I mean, this is love? This is what they tell you about when you're 11 and naive? Or 32 and more naive?"

5. The truth (love is hardwork, and sometimes hard work can really hurt)
Love is a game. If they didn't tell you before, I will tell you now. Love is a game, and if you play you either win, lose or get ejected before the game is over. There are no ties. Maybe you'll lose and learn some great meaningful answers from it all (like if it looks too good to be true, it is). It's easy to love something when you don't have to work at it. It's harder when it asks something of you, you just might be afraid to give. Give it anyway. The heart is the most resilient muscle. It is also the stupidiest. So if this love you've found is good to you, hold it, keep it, shout about it. If it isn't, then maybe you should just become very good friends.

6. The finale (also known as the big whopper-doodle, or the most important part of this whole darn thing)
So this is love, as demanding, and nourishing, and difficult as it can be, and as strong and wise as it makes you become. There is something to be gained from commitment. There are rewards for staying when you would rather leave. And there is something to be said for running up that hill when you would rather slide down it. And so you let love come perch upon your shoulder, and you don't turn it away. You do the tango. Just do it.


After spent the last 3 days (and nights) trying to ignore what my body was feeling, I finally gave up. Yesterday morning, after my bro-in-law dropped me off in Mampang, I took ojek to Cinku’s place. He was half-asleep when opening the door for me. He left to office after making sure I was OK to be left alone. The next thing I knew, it was already 10 PM when he’s back. I argued a little with him about the importance of me seeing the doctor. This time he won. But it was proved that I was right, there’s nothing serious, just a flu symptom. Unfortunately the doctor gave me 3 kinds of medicine to be taken 3 times a day. Arrggghhh!

So here I am at the office, feel a bit tired. Must be the flu. Or the accumulation of what’s been lingering in my head. I definitely need a resolution. Once and for all.